Happy Thanksgiving

This past year has been filled with challenges, especially the loss of Lynnea.  It was hard celebrating today without her, but today was not a day to dwell on what we don't have, but instead to look at how many things we have to be thankful for.  I am have an amazing husband, and daughter that make my life meaningful and special every day.  I have an extended family that has been loving and supportive my whole life, but especially over the past couple of years that have been particularly difficult.  I have a warm house, plenty of food to eat, and clothing to wear.  All of my needs are met, along with many of my wants.  I have also been blessed with many friends that we met along the way during Lynnea's journey that still mean a lot to us even though she is gone.  Indeed, this Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for.

We celebrated today with extended family.  Ashlyn enjoyed seeing how many people she could convince to read her stories, and she had fun trying to get everyone involved in playing "dress-up" with her, including Great-Grandpa.

Ashlyn is Thankful...

I asked Ashlyn what she is thankful for, and this was her response: "I am thankful for my family, food, my tricycle, and rain and snow."

The Art Room

The big project for this week was turning the spare bedroom (previously used for storage) into an art room -- a place for both me and Ashlyn to work on our artistic endeavors.  Ashlyn was very excited about this, and loves her new space to create.  This has resulted in lots of artwork, including some to go with her stories on her blog.  It is really nice to have all of the art supplies in one place, nicely organized for easy use.

First Snow

Ashlyn was very excited about the first snowfall of the season.  She enjoyed building a snowman (OK, so technically, I think it is a snowwoman) at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  She also thought it was great to splash through the sloppy puddles (I have no idea where she might have inherited that trait).  Even though I can't say that I'm particularly excited about the fact that winter seems to be here for real, it is a lot of fun to see her excitement about the snow.

Ashlyn's Visit

Today I took Ashlyn down to the hospital to visit some of our friends.  This was the first time she had been there since Lynnea died (I have been back a few times now).  I wasn't sure how she would react, but she said she wanted to go, so I figured it was about time to let her visit.  She was super excited to be there seeing all of the things that were so familiar to her, and getting to visit with some of the doctors and nurses that she had gotten to know during Lynnea's life.  She was a little bit disappointed that we didn't stop to play in the hospital playroom, and she didn't get to see Dr. St. Louis because he was in the OR, but she managed to handle these things well (she did get to see most of the people on her list that she had hoped to see).  Overall, I think that it was good for her to have the opportunity to go back and spend a little bit of time there because there were a lot of things that she really liked about the hospital when Lynnea was there, and she spent so much time there that it feels strange to her now to not go there all the time. 

Re-Birth

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:13-16

One week ago we celebrated what would have been Lynnea's second birthday.  Today is Lynnea's baptismal birthday.  Even though her baptism, like all baptisms, was a joyous moment, it is a difficult day for me to think about.  She was baptized in the ER while fighting for her life.  Those moments are not happy memories, and I try not to dwell on them, but I think that it is worth remembering once in a while.  She was baptized in Princeton while we waited for the neonatal team from the NICU at the U of M to come up to transport her.  We arrived at the U in the middle of the night; they ran tests all night, and finally, around 6am a cardiologist came to talk to us about Lynnea's echocardiogram.  I remember the cardiologist drawing a picture and describing what a normal heart looks like, and then drawing a picture of Lynnea's heart.  She described all of the things that were wrong with Lynnea's cardiac anatomy -- the list seemed to go on forever, and by the time she was finished, I wondered if there was anything left that was "right" about Lynnea's heart.  I also remember looking at that list, and looking at the drawings, and I couldn't help but marvel at God's amazing handiwork.  I was impressed that Lynnea was alive at all, and amazed at the way that her little body had managed to compensate for an entire week even though it appeared that there was more wrong with her heart than right.  God's design was perfect in the beginning, and even this completely flawed version of anatomy was capable of so much, I couldn't help but be in awe. When God created Lynnea, He knew all of the intricacies of her entire anatomy, and He knew exactly how many days she would live here on this earth, and what each of those days would entail.  He had a plan from her, and that night in the ER when we had her baptized, we placed her in the palm of His hand, and we trusted that whatever He had planned for her, it was for the best.  Today in church, we celebrated All Saint's Day (even though, technically, All Saint's Day was last Monday), recognizing all of the faithful believers that God had called home to heaven.  Lynnea is one of those believers.  Knowing this allows us to grieve her passing with hope -- the hope that we will one day see her again in heaven.  Through her baptism, the faith that was necessary for her to get to spend eternity in heaven was placed in her.  So, even though most of my memories from that night are some of the most unpleasant memories that I have, it is worth remembering and celebrating that moment when Lynnea Hope was baptized.

Stories by Ashlyn

Ashlyn is constantly telling me little stories, and she is also very interested in the things that I do on the computer like blogging and Facebook, so I decided to let her have her own blog.  We started it a week ago.  She typically posts at least one story each day (usually more than one because once she starts telling stories, she doesn't want to stop), and sometimes she includes artwork with her stories.  Today I also put a video of her telling one of her stories on it.  I type the stories for her, but she gets to type the titles (I tell her what letters to type, and she types them, though she is getting pretty good at figuring out what letters she will probably need to use in most of the words).  You can visit Ashlyn's blog at www.storiesbyashlyn.blogspot.com.  There is also a link to her blog on the side under the heading My Blog List.  Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Lynnea!

The focus of birthdays is usually on the aging process -- becoming another year older.  For young children, the idea of being a whole year older is exciting, while for adults, it is often seen as a reminder that they are one year closer to the end of their lives.  But really, the focus shouldn't be on aging; instead, the celebration should center on the birth -- after all, that's what is being commemorated -- the fact that a person entered the world, changing it somehow, sometimes in a big way, sometimes in small ways, but altering things nonetheless in that moment when they arrived, and in every moment afterward.

Two years ago today, I gave birth to a 7lbs. 10oz. baby girl named Lynnea Hope.  In that moment, she changed my world, and Corey's world, and her big sister Ashlyn's world forever.  Suddenly we were no longer a family of three, but a family of four.  Ashlyn became a sister.  In some ways, it may have seemed like a small thing to everyone outside of that hospital room, or outside of our immediate circle of friends and family, but it wasn't small at all.  We welcomed Lynnea Hope into our arms, and into our lives, having no idea at all the kinds of changes she would bring, or the number of lives that she would affect.

The two years since that moment when I held Lynnea in my arms for the first time have been nothing like what I had expected them to be.  Most of all, I never expected to get to say hello to her for the first time so early in the morning, only to have to say goodbye to her on an afternoon 20 short months later.  I feel like I was just beginning to get to know her.  But, I loved all 612 days that I was able to spend with her, and during that time, she taught me (and many other people) a multitude of valuable things, including the significance of birthdays.

So, today we celebrate the appearance of Lynnea Hope in our arms, in our hearts, in our lives.  I wish that she were here to celebrate with us, but, somehow, I'm sure that no Elmo-themed birthday party that I possibly could have planned for her would even come close to comparing to the celebration that she is experiencing in heaven right now.   So, we will enjoy the cupcakes that Ashlyn helped me bake (with sprinkles, of course), and remember what an amazing little person entered the world at 4:07am on Friday, October 31, 2008.

Here is some video footage from Lynnea's one and only birthday party.

Reformation Party

This evening, Ashlyn went to the Reformation Party at church.  It was a costume party, and she dressed up as a Hershey's Kiss.  She enjoyed the games and getting to spend time with all of the other kids that were there.

Kitchen Helper

Ashlyn has been a helper in the kitchen lately.  She has been determined to make herself lunch whenever I will let her.  She makes peanut butter and honey sandwiches.  She also enjoys helping me make cookies and muffins.