Two Years...

We sat around the table at lunch time.  Ashlyn happily chattered about the butterfly mask that she had made at Aunt Megan's house yesterday, and Aiyana drank water from her favorite sippy cup.  Most days, moments like this make me smile; I look at my two beautiful, healthy little girls and I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.  Most days.  And then there are days like today.  Today watching Aiyana drink from her favorite sippy cup, the small one with a pink top, it reminded me of how much Lynnea loved that cup.  It was Lynnea's cup.  Her favorite cup.  The one that we didn't dare leave the house without.  The one that she picked out herself at the dollar store one day with her favorite homecare nurse. 

I know that I should be happy with the family that I have, and I am, really, but sometimes it is hard not to think about that family that I should have had -- the family that had three amazing little girls that could have been the best of friends.  It still feels like there is a giant hole in the middle of my family, a hole where Lynnea is supposed to be; a hole that can't be filled.  It often makes me very sad that Aiyana will never have the opportunity to get to know her big sister, Lynnea.  It also make me sad to see how much of Lynnea's life Ashlyn has already forgotten; I am grateful that she has found a way to move on and seems to be a pretty well-adjusted five-year-old, but it is sad to watch her forget her little sister -- if this is how much she has forgotten on the second anniversary of Lynnea's death, how much more will she have forgotten by next year? Or five years from now?  Ten years?

Fortunately, even on days like today, there is still a great deal of comfort in knowing that Lynnea has no more owies in heaven.