"I wanna start it over, I wanna start again. I want a new beginning, one without an end..."
Those are the opening lines to the song "Something Beautiful" by Newsboys, the first song in the photo montage that I put together for Lynnea's funeral last year (it's posted on here too if you follow the link marked "Lynnea's Story"). One year ago today, Lynnea received her new beginning, one without an end. I will never forget the feeling of holding her in my arms rocking her that last time, knowing that it was time for her to go. She opened her eyes for a moment to look at me, for one final goodbye, before she was taken from my arms into Jesus' arms in heaven.
Today, it is hard not to think about all of the suffering that she endured during her short life, and how truly ready she was to not hurt anymore. She was tired, she had suffered so much, and it was time for her to go. She was and always will be something beautiful in my life, and I am glad that now, instead of experiencing all of the pain that life on earth brought for her, she is in heaven, living a perfect life that never ends.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Conversations Then and Now
One year ago today, Corey and I sat down in Lynnea's hospital room with three of her doctors and had one of the most difficult discussions that any parents could ever have to have regarding our child. Lynnea had just proven to everyone that she could no longer handle the work of breathing on her own. EEG and MRI results had shown that she had extensive brain damage after her episode of cardiac arrest. There just weren't any options left for her. So, the five of us had a lengthy conversation about when and how Lynnea would die.
Today we went to the U of M to meet with Dr. St. Louis to go over Lynnea's autopsy results. Really, there was nothing particularly insightful about the findings: the loss of her left pulmonary veins was the primary reason that nothing more could be done for her. In some ways, this conversation shared some commonalities with the conversation we had a year ago; in both cases, at the center of things was Lynnea's death. It was a little strange to go to a clinic visit for Lynnea without having her along; it clearly felt like something was missing as we sat in the examining room waiting for the doctor to come in. It was also a little hard to think about the fact that this really was the very last appointment that we will ever go to regarding Lynnea. Fortunately, this year's conversation did not have the same heavy tone that last year's did; in fact, our time spent chit-chatting with Dr. St. Louis was quite pleasant, and it was good to get to have this conversation with someone that had played such an important role in Lynnea's life.
Today we went to the U of M to meet with Dr. St. Louis to go over Lynnea's autopsy results. Really, there was nothing particularly insightful about the findings: the loss of her left pulmonary veins was the primary reason that nothing more could be done for her. In some ways, this conversation shared some commonalities with the conversation we had a year ago; in both cases, at the center of things was Lynnea's death. It was a little strange to go to a clinic visit for Lynnea without having her along; it clearly felt like something was missing as we sat in the examining room waiting for the doctor to come in. It was also a little hard to think about the fact that this really was the very last appointment that we will ever go to regarding Lynnea. Fortunately, this year's conversation did not have the same heavy tone that last year's did; in fact, our time spent chit-chatting with Dr. St. Louis was quite pleasant, and it was good to get to have this conversation with someone that had played such an important role in Lynnea's life.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Vacation Bible School
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A Sneak Peek
Ashlyn has had some important news that she has been sharing with people over the past few weeks. For those of you that haven't had the chance to talk to her lately, I've decided that I would share her news for her on here. This is the announcement that she has been making to just about anyone who will listen: "We're going to get a new baby at our house around Christmas time." She is very excited about this, and is happy that she will get to be a big sister again.
Officially, the due date is January 8, 2012, but since my children don't seem to like to wait around until their due dates to be born (Ashlyn was born at 39 weeks, Lynnea at 38 weeks), I figured telling Ashlyn that the baby should be here "around Christmas" was a pretty safe bet. On Monday I went in for an early ultrasound, mostly just to check my dates and to make sure everything is OK. The doctors are treating this pregnancy as slightly high risk because of our history of having a baby with a heart defect. Recent research has shown that the specific type of heart defect that Lynnea had appears to have a strong genetic component to it rather than being caused by environmental factors. So, this baby is at a significantly higher risk than the general population of also having some sort of heart defect (though not necessarily the exact same defect as Lynnea, and not necessarily anything nearly as severe as Lynnea). In August we will have a level 2 ultrasound and a fetal echocardiogram to check for any cardiac abnormalities. Monday's ultrasound showed that everything seems to be going fine so far, but that my due date might be a bit off. The ultrasound showed a due date of January 3 rather than January 8. We haven't talked to the doctor yet to find out if they want to officially change the due date or not (typically, if the ultrasound due date is more than five days different than the calculated due date, then the ultrasound due date is the one that the doctors will use...since our dates are exactly five days different, it's impossible to know which date the doctor will choose to use).
On Monday I also went in to have an MRI done. This was not pregnancy related (in fact, the only reason I hadn't had one done sooner is because I am pregnant and it is unknown whether or not an MRI causes any harm to the fetus). I have been having some vision problems since the end of March; specifically, I suddenly lost a significant amount of vision in my left eye at that time. My vision hasn't improved at all since then (in fact, during my last exam it had gotten a little worse, though this could be due to the pregnancy because vision changes are fairly common during pregnancy), and after running several tests, the neuro-ophthalmologist determined that the problem is not with my macula or retina, which left the only other probable source of the problem being with my optic nerve. The good news is that the MRI did not show any obvious signs of a brain tumor (yes, that was one thing that they were looking for), but it did show that there is some inflammation of my optic nerve, and that's what is causing my vision loss. This condition is known as Optic Neuritis. Beyond that, there was not a lot that they could tell from the MRI because the MRI had to be done without the use of any contrast dye (because contrast dye is not OK for Baby). There is a chance that my vision will improve over time (though the fact that it hasn't improved at all yet isn't really a good sign). Although sometimes Optic Neuritis occurs without any specific cause that can be found, it is often an early sign of Multiple Sclerosis. Without doing an MRI with contrast dye, it is impossible to determine how likely it is that MS is or is not the cause in my case. I will have bloodwork done to rule out a few other possibilities like Lupus and Lyme Disease, though I don't have any other symptoms of either of those, so it is pretty unlikely that they are the cause.
Officially, the due date is January 8, 2012, but since my children don't seem to like to wait around until their due dates to be born (Ashlyn was born at 39 weeks, Lynnea at 38 weeks), I figured telling Ashlyn that the baby should be here "around Christmas" was a pretty safe bet. On Monday I went in for an early ultrasound, mostly just to check my dates and to make sure everything is OK. The doctors are treating this pregnancy as slightly high risk because of our history of having a baby with a heart defect. Recent research has shown that the specific type of heart defect that Lynnea had appears to have a strong genetic component to it rather than being caused by environmental factors. So, this baby is at a significantly higher risk than the general population of also having some sort of heart defect (though not necessarily the exact same defect as Lynnea, and not necessarily anything nearly as severe as Lynnea). In August we will have a level 2 ultrasound and a fetal echocardiogram to check for any cardiac abnormalities. Monday's ultrasound showed that everything seems to be going fine so far, but that my due date might be a bit off. The ultrasound showed a due date of January 3 rather than January 8. We haven't talked to the doctor yet to find out if they want to officially change the due date or not (typically, if the ultrasound due date is more than five days different than the calculated due date, then the ultrasound due date is the one that the doctors will use...since our dates are exactly five days different, it's impossible to know which date the doctor will choose to use).
On Monday I also went in to have an MRI done. This was not pregnancy related (in fact, the only reason I hadn't had one done sooner is because I am pregnant and it is unknown whether or not an MRI causes any harm to the fetus). I have been having some vision problems since the end of March; specifically, I suddenly lost a significant amount of vision in my left eye at that time. My vision hasn't improved at all since then (in fact, during my last exam it had gotten a little worse, though this could be due to the pregnancy because vision changes are fairly common during pregnancy), and after running several tests, the neuro-ophthalmologist determined that the problem is not with my macula or retina, which left the only other probable source of the problem being with my optic nerve. The good news is that the MRI did not show any obvious signs of a brain tumor (yes, that was one thing that they were looking for), but it did show that there is some inflammation of my optic nerve, and that's what is causing my vision loss. This condition is known as Optic Neuritis. Beyond that, there was not a lot that they could tell from the MRI because the MRI had to be done without the use of any contrast dye (because contrast dye is not OK for Baby). There is a chance that my vision will improve over time (though the fact that it hasn't improved at all yet isn't really a good sign). Although sometimes Optic Neuritis occurs without any specific cause that can be found, it is often an early sign of Multiple Sclerosis. Without doing an MRI with contrast dye, it is impossible to determine how likely it is that MS is or is not the cause in my case. I will have bloodwork done to rule out a few other possibilities like Lupus and Lyme Disease, though I don't have any other symptoms of either of those, so it is pretty unlikely that they are the cause.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Eleven Months
Lynnea has been gone for eleven months, and we all still have moments when we miss her very much.
Last weekend Ashlyn found a dead bird outside in our backyard. She ran in the house in tears, and sat in my lap crying for nearly an hour. As I held her, she told me about all of the things that the bird would never do again: it would never sing again, it would never fly again, it would never eat or breathe again, etc. Eventually she calmed down and went outside again. I told her that we could bury the bird after Daddy came home from work. I watched her as she went back outside. She examined the bird on the ground, and then she carefully picked it up and carried it up to her treehouse. Part of me was appalled when I saw this, but chose not to stop her. When she came back inside I asked her about this. She informed me that she had taken the bird to her treehouse so that it wouldn't be alone until we buried it. After we buried the bird, she didn't mention it again, and I thought that was the end of it.
Later in the week, while I was tucking her into bed one night, she asked me about Lynnea. She asked me about when Lynnea died. I explained to her that I held Lynnea in my arms rocking her in the rocking chair when she died. Ashlyn asked if she fell asleep while I was rocking her. I explained to her that it was kind of like Lynnea went to sleep, except that she stopped breathing and wasn't alive anymore. Ashlyn replied in an accusing tone, "Did you try to wake her up? How did you know she was really dead? Are you sure she wasn't just sleeping?" I told her that it was different than if she had just been sleeping, and that I was sure she was really dead. She sighed and then asked what I did with her after she died. So, I told her that I held her for a while longer in the rocking chair, and then I put her back in her hospital crib. Ashlyn was appalled at this and angrily said to me, "Mommy, why did you put her back in her crib?! She wasn't sleeping, she was dead, you shouldn't have put her there! You should have kept holding her. You should have stayed with her. You shouldn't have left her there at the hospital all by herself." And then she cried. I let her cry knowing that there was no way to explain to her in a way that she would understand why I had to leave Lynnea's body in the hospital. When she calmed down, she told me that she really misses Lynnea. I reminded her that Lynnea is in heaven and that she is very happy there. Ashlyn nodded and said, "Yeah, I know." When she said her bedtime prayers, she wanted to say a special prayer beyond our usual "Now I Lay Me." This was her prayer: "Dear Jesus, Thank you for taking care of my little sister Lynnea in heaven for me. Please give her lots of hugs and play with her because she will like that. I want to go to heaven too, but please let me grow up to be really old first. I love you. Amen."
Last weekend Ashlyn found a dead bird outside in our backyard. She ran in the house in tears, and sat in my lap crying for nearly an hour. As I held her, she told me about all of the things that the bird would never do again: it would never sing again, it would never fly again, it would never eat or breathe again, etc. Eventually she calmed down and went outside again. I told her that we could bury the bird after Daddy came home from work. I watched her as she went back outside. She examined the bird on the ground, and then she carefully picked it up and carried it up to her treehouse. Part of me was appalled when I saw this, but chose not to stop her. When she came back inside I asked her about this. She informed me that she had taken the bird to her treehouse so that it wouldn't be alone until we buried it. After we buried the bird, she didn't mention it again, and I thought that was the end of it.
Later in the week, while I was tucking her into bed one night, she asked me about Lynnea. She asked me about when Lynnea died. I explained to her that I held Lynnea in my arms rocking her in the rocking chair when she died. Ashlyn asked if she fell asleep while I was rocking her. I explained to her that it was kind of like Lynnea went to sleep, except that she stopped breathing and wasn't alive anymore. Ashlyn replied in an accusing tone, "Did you try to wake her up? How did you know she was really dead? Are you sure she wasn't just sleeping?" I told her that it was different than if she had just been sleeping, and that I was sure she was really dead. She sighed and then asked what I did with her after she died. So, I told her that I held her for a while longer in the rocking chair, and then I put her back in her hospital crib. Ashlyn was appalled at this and angrily said to me, "Mommy, why did you put her back in her crib?! She wasn't sleeping, she was dead, you shouldn't have put her there! You should have kept holding her. You should have stayed with her. You shouldn't have left her there at the hospital all by herself." And then she cried. I let her cry knowing that there was no way to explain to her in a way that she would understand why I had to leave Lynnea's body in the hospital. When she calmed down, she told me that she really misses Lynnea. I reminded her that Lynnea is in heaven and that she is very happy there. Ashlyn nodded and said, "Yeah, I know." When she said her bedtime prayers, she wanted to say a special prayer beyond our usual "Now I Lay Me." This was her prayer: "Dear Jesus, Thank you for taking care of my little sister Lynnea in heaven for me. Please give her lots of hugs and play with her because she will like that. I want to go to heaven too, but please let me grow up to be really old first. I love you. Amen."
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Ten Months
We have spent ten months here now without Lynnea. On Tuesday Corey and I had an unexpected opportunity to tour the new U of M Amplatz Children's Hospital. The move in to the new hospital took place last Saturday. Throughout Lynnea's entire life, we had been hearing about this hospital, watching it be built, anxiously awaiting its opening. Though it is a little disappointing that Lynnea isn't here to see it, and to experience how much more patient/family friendly it is compared to the old hospital, it was nice to finally get a chance to see how everything turned out after waiting for it for so long. I think Lynnea would have liked it (I know Ashlyn would have liked it...she's pretty jealous that Mommy and Daddy went to visit without her, and now she keeps asking when we'll take her to go see it), and I'm glad that we took the opportunity to tour it.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I Know that My Redeemer Lives
"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another." Job 19: 25-27
These verses are the basis for the common Easter hymn, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." We sing the words as a proclamation of Jesus' resurrection, His atonement for our sins, and the assurance that we have of life everlasting with Him. I find it intriguing that these verses are not found in the New Testament spoken by Mary or one of the disciples after finding the empty tomb on Easter morning, or after seeing Christ for themselves when He appeared to them, but instead they are found in the Old Testament, spoken by Job to his friends after he has suffered the loss of his wealth, his children, and his own health. He speaks these words with confidence while enduring tremendous adversity in order to paint a clear picture that he has of his hope in salvation and everlasting life. His testimony, especially under these circumstances, is an excellent reminder of just how much hope and comfort our Redeemer brings. Job is able to look beyond his time on earth, and his earthly suffering to see what awaits him and all believers when his physical life has ended.
Job's proclamation brings great comfort as I think about Lynnea and all of the suffering that she endured during her short time here with us on earth, and all of the glory that she is now experiencing in heaven because of Christ's death and resurrection. It is immensely comforting to know that, no matter how much suffering this life brings, ultimately there is not only an end to that suffering, but unimaginable glory and joy waiting for us. He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah.
These verses are the basis for the common Easter hymn, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." We sing the words as a proclamation of Jesus' resurrection, His atonement for our sins, and the assurance that we have of life everlasting with Him. I find it intriguing that these verses are not found in the New Testament spoken by Mary or one of the disciples after finding the empty tomb on Easter morning, or after seeing Christ for themselves when He appeared to them, but instead they are found in the Old Testament, spoken by Job to his friends after he has suffered the loss of his wealth, his children, and his own health. He speaks these words with confidence while enduring tremendous adversity in order to paint a clear picture that he has of his hope in salvation and everlasting life. His testimony, especially under these circumstances, is an excellent reminder of just how much hope and comfort our Redeemer brings. Job is able to look beyond his time on earth, and his earthly suffering to see what awaits him and all believers when his physical life has ended.
Job's proclamation brings great comfort as I think about Lynnea and all of the suffering that she endured during her short time here with us on earth, and all of the glory that she is now experiencing in heaven because of Christ's death and resurrection. It is immensely comforting to know that, no matter how much suffering this life brings, ultimately there is not only an end to that suffering, but unimaginable glory and joy waiting for us. He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Pictures of Ashlyn
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
It Takes a Village...
I have a favor to ask all of you that are on Facebook. Please go to the following link (it's a link to a note that I wrote) It Takes a Village... and leave a comment on the note. The parenting website MomSquawk.com is having a contest to help them choose a few new bloggers to write for them on a consistent basis, which is something I would enjoy doing. They requested that potential bloggers write a short piece for on their Facebook page, and the winner will be determined based on the number of comments that each note receives. So, please help me start a discussion on my note. Thank you everyone!
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