A Trip to Como

On Tuesday we spent some time at Como Zoo and Como Town thanks to HopeKids.  It was very warm outside, but both Ashlyn and Aiyana seemed to have fun anyway.  Ashlyn liked seeing the animals, but she liked the rides even better.  Aiyana loved watching all of the people and seeing all kinds of new things.  We had a picnic dinner before going home for the evening.

Two Years...

We sat around the table at lunch time.  Ashlyn happily chattered about the butterfly mask that she had made at Aunt Megan's house yesterday, and Aiyana drank water from her favorite sippy cup.  Most days, moments like this make me smile; I look at my two beautiful, healthy little girls and I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.  Most days.  And then there are days like today.  Today watching Aiyana drink from her favorite sippy cup, the small one with a pink top, it reminded me of how much Lynnea loved that cup.  It was Lynnea's cup.  Her favorite cup.  The one that we didn't dare leave the house without.  The one that she picked out herself at the dollar store one day with her favorite homecare nurse. 

I know that I should be happy with the family that I have, and I am, really, but sometimes it is hard not to think about that family that I should have had -- the family that had three amazing little girls that could have been the best of friends.  It still feels like there is a giant hole in the middle of my family, a hole where Lynnea is supposed to be; a hole that can't be filled.  It often makes me very sad that Aiyana will never have the opportunity to get to know her big sister, Lynnea.  It also make me sad to see how much of Lynnea's life Ashlyn has already forgotten; I am grateful that she has found a way to move on and seems to be a pretty well-adjusted five-year-old, but it is sad to watch her forget her little sister -- if this is how much she has forgotten on the second anniversary of Lynnea's death, how much more will she have forgotten by next year? Or five years from now?  Ten years?

Fortunately, even on days like today, there is still a great deal of comfort in knowing that Lynnea has no more owies in heaven.

Another Month...

Another month has flown by already.  Aiyana is six months old as of today.  She is growing up so fast!  She has now discovered that she can get where she wants to go by rolling over and over and over; of course, she hasn't given up on her dream of crawling (actually, deep down, I think she just wants to get up and run around like she sees Ashlyn doing all the time, but I'd like her to stay on the floor for a little bit longer...).  She tries so hard to crawl; she just can't quite figure out how to get her knees up under her and make herself go forward (and, there's nothing more frustrating than trying to move forward only to find yourself moving backwards, away from that toy/sock/something of Ashlyn's/etc. that you were trying so hard to get).  One of these days she'll figure it out.  She continues to love every flavor of baby food we offer her, and she now has two teeth (bottom front) to bite with (she thinks it's funny to bite you if you stick your fingers in her mouth, which, I suppose, is only fair). 

Ashlyn is also getting more and more grown up every day.  Last week she lost her first tooth.  She thought that was great.  She has another one that is wiggling and will probably go soon if she keeps pushing on it. 

Ashlyn's Garden

Last week, Ashlyn planted a garden in the backyard with some help from Grandma and Grandpa.  She planted Lettuce, Marigolds, Carrots, Asparagus Beans, White Beans, and Coleus.  Everyday she goes out and checks her garden to see what's growing.  Yesterday she was very excited that lots of little lettuce was starting to come up and one of her marigolds had come up. 

Ashlyn's garden last week right after planting it.

Ashlyn's garden today, 1 week after planting.

New Experiences for Aiyana

Aiyana has been a busy girl the past couple of weeks.  She has tried a few exciting new things.  She is now old enough for solid foods, so we started feeding her baby food.  Rice cereal wasn't great the first time, but she has decided that it is OK.  She also enjoys pears and carrots.  Next we'll try peas.

One of the nice days that we had recently she went outside to play with Ashlyn.  Aiyana enjoyed swinging in the baby swing.

She also rolls over all the time now.  Of course, she's only mastered going from her back to her tummy, so once she's on her tummy she's stuck.  Hopefully she'll learn how to roll back sometime soon. 

Ashlyn's Belated Birthday Party

Yesterday Ashlyn finally had her birthday party (we had originally planned on having it the weekend after her birthday but had to cancel so that we could go to Benjamin's funeral).  She enjoyed helping make the butterfly snacks and had fun playing with her friends and family at the party.  Thank you to everyone who helped us celebrate her birthday!

Four Months Old

Aiyana is now four months old.  If you ask her, she'll tell you that she's all grown up now.  She is quickly outgrowing her 3-6 month clothes.  She smiles and laughs all the time now, and she rolled over twice this week (from her back to her tummy). 

The Joy of Easter

Last night Ashlyn and I colored Easter eggs.  It was fun to watch her get excited about coloring them, and I didn't mind coloring a few as well, but it wasn't nearly as much fun as it was when I was a child. Today I watched her open her Easter basket filled with candy and toys, and I remembered what fun it was to get an Easter basket when I was a child.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, even though those things were lots of fun when I was younger, I don't really miss them now.  I have outgrown the fun of Easter.

It's a good thing the "fun" of Easter isn't what's really important.  Even though I am too old for the fun of Easter, I am certainly not too old for the joy of Easter.  The joy of Easter doesn't come from colored eggs, baskets full of toys, or the latest flavors of jelly beans.  The joy of Easter comes from the reassurance that I will get to spend eternity in heaven because Jesus suffered on the cross, died, and rose again to provide me with forgiveness for my sins and eternal life in heaven. 

Busy Week

This has been a busy week for us.  First, both of my girls grew up; Aiyana is now three months old and Ashlyn is a five year old.  Ashlyn had a fun birthday -- we took her to Chucky Cheese's for lunch and then made her favorite taco salad at home for dinner.  She enjoyed her birthday presents and had a great day overall. 

On Thursday we left to take a trip to Iowa.  I wish that Aiyana's first road trip were for a real vacation rather than going to a funeral, but this is just how things are.  My sister's son Benjamin passed away on Monday evening.  He was only 26 days old -- he had been born early (27 weeks) and his lungs were simply too underdeveloped for him to survive.  We attended his memorial service on Friday and will attend his funeral on Monday.  The trip has been tiring (both physically and emotionally), but the girls have been handling it OK.  Aiyana is a good little traveler, but she gets a little uptight if you keep her out past her bedtime.

The Last "Break Even" Day

Lynnea spent the majority of the first few months of her life in the hospital.  During that time, we were often sent home from the hospital only to return a few days later because Lynnea was not healthy enough to handle living at home.  During one of those early stays, a nurse assured me that eventually Lynnea would be able to spend more time at home than in the hospital.  It was then that I started to keep track of how many days Lynnea was in the hospital and how many days she spent at home, always looking forward to the "break even" day when the number of days at home equaled the number of days in the hospital.

At the time, I really thought that there would only be one "break even" day -- that once she managed to have more days at home than in the hospital, that would be how things would always stay.  Of course, with Lynnea, that's not how things were; the next time she had a "break even" day it was when she was in the hospital with no discharge date in sight, which meant that she was again on her way to spending more of her life in the hospital than at home.  The doctors and nurses at the hospital who knew me well knew that I kept track of these things, and I would often point out during rounds when it was a "break even" day in order to remind everyone how badly I wanted to take her home.  Throughout her life she ended up having several "break even" days; if they happened when she was at home it was a day to celebrate, if they happened when she was in the hospital it was often a day of discouragement. 

Today is "break even" day.  It has been 612 days since Lynnea died, so today the number of days that she spent on earth equal the number of days she has spent in heaven.  This is the last time she will ever have a "break even" day.  Happy "break even" day, Lynnea.