Happy Birthday, Lynnea

I admit, I never really know what to write on Lynnea's birthday, and today is no different.  She would have turned four today.  It's a hard day; on one hand, I really want to celebrate what a wonderful day it was when she was born, and how incredibly happy I am that she was a part of my life even if it was for such a short time, but on the other hand, it's impossible not to be really, really sad that today I'm not having a birthday party watching her open gifts and blow out candles on the cupcakes that we baked for her.  There's nothing that can really make this day any easier, but it is nice to remember some of the favorite moments that we had with her.  So, here's my Lynnea memory for today:

This morning when I was rocking Aiyana in the rocking chair before her morning nap, she kept leaning forward and then flinging herself backward against me.  This reminded me of when Lynnea used to do this.  We called it "Kaboom" and, I admit that it's not really one of my favorite baby games, but Lynnea thought it was a lot of fun.  I remember specifically the time after one of her heart caths when she thought it was an appropriate time to play "Kaboom."  See, after a heart cath, it is important to keep still for a few hours in order to prevent bleeding.  For Lynnea (and all babies/small children) this meant spending a few hours in the hospital crib strapped to a board to keep her from moving her legs.  Well, Lynnea hated this, and after this particular heart cath, the doctors and nurses thought that she might be happier if she were snuggling in my lap instead of strapped to the board.  I agreed that holding her might make her happier.  It did.  But it didn't keep her still.  As soon as she got out of the crib and into my arms in the rocking chair, she decided that nothing would be more fun than playing "Kaboom."  I ignored her the first few times she flung herself backward hoping that if I ignored her she would stop.  She didn't stop.  Since I didn't think this was what the doctors and nurses had in mind when the let her out of bed, I told her that she had to stop playing "Kaboom."  She reluctantly stopped and immediately found other ways to occupy herself: she set diligently to work trying to remove all of the medical equipment that was attached to her.  She removed her pulse oximeter several times (I kept putting it back on her toe, and she kept pulling it off as fast as I could put it back on), she pulled her nasal cannula out of her nose, she tried to remove her IVs and tugged desperately at the Velcro on the blood pressure cuff.  And, of course, she just laughed at me when I told her "No, no."

That's one of my favorite Lynnea memories because, despite the situation, she really was just being a typical naughty toddler.  I loved seeing her do "normal" things like that even though there was nothing normal about what was going on in her life. 

Aiyana is 10 Months Old!

Aiyana is looking and acting less like a baby and more like a toddler every day.  She easily walks around furniture and has no problem going from one piece of furniture to the next.  She also stands on her own for a little while.  She has a vocabulary of three words: "Da-da" "Num-num" and "Nigh-night."  She is especially fond of "Num-num!"  While she still eats baby food, she has decided that table foods are wonderful and enjoys eating whatever the rest of us are having whenever we are willing to share with her.  Fortunately, she has a big sister who is willing to share snacks with her whenever she asks. 

We Have a 9 Month Old

Aiyana is in a big hurry to grow up!  She can walk around furniture and she puts every little crumb she finds in her mouth.  She has eight teeth now -- the better to bite with!  We've had many conversations about whether or not it is OK to chew on socks while people are wearing them...we're not always in agreement on this one.  She has outgrown her sleep sacks, so now she gets to wear big girl pajamas.  She's not really convinced that this is an improvement, and makes it challenging to get her dressed after her nightly bath. 

The First Day of Kindergarten

Today was Ashlyn's first day of Kindergarten.  She was excited to go and had a really great day.  She made some new friends, played outside for TWO recesses (that was very exciting!), ate lunch that she brought from home, and listened when the teacher read stories.  She told me that she is really glad that she gets to go back tomorrow. 

8 Months Old Already!

Today Aiyana is 8 months old.  She's a busy girl these days.  She finally mastered crawling and has now decided that she desperately wants to walk.  She pulls herself up to standing in her crib and at the baby gate on the stairs.  She also has five teeth now and enjoys eating Cookie Crisp cereal and cut up bananas. 

Aiyana is 7 Months Old

Another month has flown by and Aiyana is now seven months old.  She now has three teeth and is addicted to Gerber Graduate puffs.  Her main goal in life is still to learn to crawl.  She is very close to crawling, but can't quite seem to coordinate her efforts to get herself to move forward. 

A Trip to Como

On Tuesday we spent some time at Como Zoo and Como Town thanks to HopeKids.  It was very warm outside, but both Ashlyn and Aiyana seemed to have fun anyway.  Ashlyn liked seeing the animals, but she liked the rides even better.  Aiyana loved watching all of the people and seeing all kinds of new things.  We had a picnic dinner before going home for the evening.

Two Years...

We sat around the table at lunch time.  Ashlyn happily chattered about the butterfly mask that she had made at Aunt Megan's house yesterday, and Aiyana drank water from her favorite sippy cup.  Most days, moments like this make me smile; I look at my two beautiful, healthy little girls and I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.  Most days.  And then there are days like today.  Today watching Aiyana drink from her favorite sippy cup, the small one with a pink top, it reminded me of how much Lynnea loved that cup.  It was Lynnea's cup.  Her favorite cup.  The one that we didn't dare leave the house without.  The one that she picked out herself at the dollar store one day with her favorite homecare nurse. 

I know that I should be happy with the family that I have, and I am, really, but sometimes it is hard not to think about that family that I should have had -- the family that had three amazing little girls that could have been the best of friends.  It still feels like there is a giant hole in the middle of my family, a hole where Lynnea is supposed to be; a hole that can't be filled.  It often makes me very sad that Aiyana will never have the opportunity to get to know her big sister, Lynnea.  It also make me sad to see how much of Lynnea's life Ashlyn has already forgotten; I am grateful that she has found a way to move on and seems to be a pretty well-adjusted five-year-old, but it is sad to watch her forget her little sister -- if this is how much she has forgotten on the second anniversary of Lynnea's death, how much more will she have forgotten by next year? Or five years from now?  Ten years?

Fortunately, even on days like today, there is still a great deal of comfort in knowing that Lynnea has no more owies in heaven.

Another Month...

Another month has flown by already.  Aiyana is six months old as of today.  She is growing up so fast!  She has now discovered that she can get where she wants to go by rolling over and over and over; of course, she hasn't given up on her dream of crawling (actually, deep down, I think she just wants to get up and run around like she sees Ashlyn doing all the time, but I'd like her to stay on the floor for a little bit longer...).  She tries so hard to crawl; she just can't quite figure out how to get her knees up under her and make herself go forward (and, there's nothing more frustrating than trying to move forward only to find yourself moving backwards, away from that toy/sock/something of Ashlyn's/etc. that you were trying so hard to get).  One of these days she'll figure it out.  She continues to love every flavor of baby food we offer her, and she now has two teeth (bottom front) to bite with (she thinks it's funny to bite you if you stick your fingers in her mouth, which, I suppose, is only fair). 

Ashlyn is also getting more and more grown up every day.  Last week she lost her first tooth.  She thought that was great.  She has another one that is wiggling and will probably go soon if she keeps pushing on it. 

Ashlyn's Garden

Last week, Ashlyn planted a garden in the backyard with some help from Grandma and Grandpa.  She planted Lettuce, Marigolds, Carrots, Asparagus Beans, White Beans, and Coleus.  Everyday she goes out and checks her garden to see what's growing.  Yesterday she was very excited that lots of little lettuce was starting to come up and one of her marigolds had come up. 

Ashlyn's garden last week right after planting it.

Ashlyn's garden today, 1 week after planting.