A Trip to the Children's Museum

Last week we went to the Minnesota Children's Museum for a HopeKids event.  Ashlyn was very excited about this -- she remembers when we went two years ago with Lynnea and has been asking to go there again ever since (we didn't make it last year because Corey had to work).  The first thing she wanted to do when we arrived was go and play in the bubbles, just like she had with Lynnea.  After that she had a fun time exploring most of the other exhibits in the museum.  It was fun to watch her get so excited, and we had a great evening out as a family.

Things Ashlyn is Thankful For...

Over the past week Ashlyn and I have had several conversations about things that she is thankful for.  Here is the list of things that she came up with:
She is thankful for her swimming pool, her pink car, Daddy -- especially when he helps her drive her pink car, her backyard, trees -- because they give her shade and help keep the air clean, Mommy, and Baby.

Lynnea's Birthday

Lynnea would have been three years old today.  In order to mark this occasion, Ashlyn and I baked cupcakes, just as we did last year.  I think this will be our yearly tradition. 

I thought that Lynnea's birthday this year would be easier than it was last year when her death was still so fresh in our minds, but this year wasn't really any easier.  This year the reality hit that every year her birthday will come, and every year she will not be here to celebrate it with us. 

We spent time today remembering her and some of the best moments that we had here with her.  While remembering her, of course, it is always impossible to only remember the best times; all of the suffering that she went through cannot be forgotten.  The comfort still comes from knowing that, this year for her birthday (and everyday), she doesn't have to hurt or suffer at all because she is in heaven where there are no more tears and no more owies.  I am happy that she gets to spend her birthdays in such a wonderful place, even though I miss her so much.

Fetal Echo

Today we went down to the U of M for a fetal echocardiogram.  We brought Ashlyn with us because she really wanted to see the new hospital.  One of our favorite echo techs did the scan for us.  The baby's heart looks perfect (and she has a beautiful aortic arch).  Ashlyn was very well behaved during the scan, and seemed to like getting to see the baby's heart beating.  Ashlyn also enjoyed playing in the waiting area and in the hospital lobby for a while. 

First Day of Preschool

Today Ashlyn started preschool.  She made a necklace out of Froot Loops, and said that there were lots of fun toys to play with.  She is looking forward to going back again next week.

A Day at the State Fair

On Monday, we spent the day at the State Fair.  The weather was beautiful, and it wasn't overly crowded, so it was a great day to go.  We didn't try any new foods this year, but instead stuck to ones that we've liked in the past.  This year Ashlyn enjoyed the deep fried alligator much more than she did last year (she ate nearly the whole batch without saving much for me or Corey).  She had fun going down the giant slide with Daddy, and riding the Merry-Go-Round with Grandpa.  She was a good little farm worker and appreciated her hard earned apple.  At the end of our day, we stopped to watch a show on one of the free stages, and Ashlyn was very excited when all of the kids in the audience were invited up on stage to dance at the end of the show. 

Level 2 Ultrasound

Today I went in for the level 2 ultrasound of the baby.  Unlike in my past pregnancies, this time gender wasn't the thing that I was most anxious to find out about, but rather the cardiac anatomy.  When I was pregnant with Ashlyn and Lynnea, we would often comment about whether we were going to have a "pink baby, or a blue baby," with the reference always being about the gender.  After having Lynnea, who was literally a blue baby because of the way her cardiac anatomy functioned, this time the speculation had a different meaning.  Fortunately, the baby's heart appears to have four chambers, all the correct size, and there were no cardiac defects that could be detected.  Everything else looked good too.  Of course, the baby was kind of a stinker during the scan -- when it was time to look at the heart, it moved so that it was hard to get a good look at the left side (eventually it moved back into a good position); when it was time to look at its face, it kept putting its hand over it; and, when we wanted to find out its gender, it kept its legs crossed (though we did also manage to eventually sneak a peek).  So, this time, when it comes to color, the baby is pink in the cardiac sense, meaning that its blood all flows the way that it should, and it is also pink in terms of gender.  Yes, Ashlyn is pretty excited to have another little sister.  In a few weeks we'll go in for a fetal echocardiogram just to make sure that the baby's heart really is in good shape (because this gives an even better look at all of the structures of the heart than the level 2 ultrasound can), but at this point the odds of there being anything seriously wrong with it are very low.

Something Beautiful

"I wanna start it over, I wanna start again.  I want a new beginning, one without an end..."

Those are the opening lines to the song "Something Beautiful" by Newsboys, the first song in the photo montage that I put together for Lynnea's funeral last year (it's posted on here too if you follow the link marked "Lynnea's Story").  One year ago today, Lynnea received her new beginning, one without an end.  I will never forget the feeling of holding her in my arms rocking her that last time, knowing that it was time for her to go.  She opened her eyes for a moment to look at me, for one final goodbye, before she was taken from my arms into Jesus' arms in heaven. 

Today, it is hard not to think about all of the suffering that she endured during her short life, and how truly ready she was to not hurt anymore.  She was tired, she had suffered so much, and it was time for her to go.  She was and always will be something beautiful in my life, and I am glad that now, instead of experiencing all of the pain that life on earth brought for her, she is in heaven, living a perfect life that never ends.

Conversations Then and Now

One year ago today, Corey and I sat down in Lynnea's hospital room with three of her doctors and had one of the most difficult discussions that any parents could ever have to have regarding our child.  Lynnea had just proven to everyone that she could no longer handle the work of breathing on her own.  EEG and MRI results had shown that she had extensive brain damage after her episode of cardiac arrest.  There just weren't any options left for her.  So, the five of us had a lengthy conversation about when and how Lynnea would die.

Today we went to the U of M to meet with Dr. St. Louis to go over Lynnea's autopsy results.  Really, there was nothing particularly insightful about the findings: the loss of her left pulmonary veins was the primary reason that nothing more could be done for her.  In some ways, this conversation shared some commonalities with the conversation we had a year ago; in both cases, at the center of things was Lynnea's death.  It was a little strange to go to a clinic visit for Lynnea without having her along; it clearly felt like something was missing as we sat in the examining room waiting for the doctor to come in.  It was also a little hard to think about the fact that this really was the very last appointment that we will ever go to regarding Lynnea.  Fortunately, this year's conversation did not have the same heavy tone that last year's did; in fact, our time spent chit-chatting with Dr. St. Louis was quite pleasant, and it was good to get to have this conversation with someone that had played such an important role in Lynnea's life.

Vacation Bible School

This week Ashlyn went to Vacation Bible School.  She enjoyed learning Bible stories (she especially liked learning about baby Moses), making crafts, eating snacks, singing songs, and playing with her friends.  Although she enjoyed the songs that she learned this week, in the middle of the week she complained about the fact that "didn't like singing because she didn't know the words, and they wouldn't give her a song sheet with the words on it like they gave to the bigger kids."  (4-year-olds are not typically given song sheets when they sing because most of them don't know how to read.)  I told her that she could learn the words by listening to the other kids sing them, and eventually she decided that this would do, but she still thought it was unfair that she didn't get to read the words herself.